Last Wednesday I opened up the crisper drawer while looking for some bell peppers and I noticed a terrible smell. I wasn’t sure where the smell came from, so I dug around the drawer and found something yucky –an onion I’d forgotten about had decomposed.
Why did this happen?
Because other vegetables such as carrots and celery were placed on top of it. Once hidden from view it lay there until it rot. The question “why” can also be like a forgotten vegetable. We notice that something doesn’t smell right but we aren’t sure of the source. It never occurs to us that this very question hidden in our thinking is the culprit. But how does “why” lead to problems?
First, when we ask why we may feel better at first but in the long term we may end up feeling worse
In one study of widowers done in the late ’90s, it was found that those that spent time in introspection often asking “why” questions were happier and less depressed one month later than their less introspective peers. But one year later they were more depressed. They were fixated on what happened instead of moving forward.
Second, asking why often leads us to “false knowledge” about our thoughts, feelings and even our own preferences
One study about this would be more humorous if the implications weren’t so grave. Researchers placed a card table outside a grocery store and laid out four identical pairs of pantyhose. They asked people walking by to pick the one they liked best. Previous research on consumer behavior shows that people prefer products that are placed on the right. And these people were no different.
They preferred the pantyhose on the right at a rate of 4 to 1
When the participants were asked “why?” they confidently explained how much better the pair on the right was. Remember, each pair was identical. At the end, the researchers explained the effect of product positioning on preferences to each participant but they all refused to believe it. When we ask why we strongly believe our own answers, even if they are absolutely false.
But if we don’t ask why, what should we ask?
The type of question that works best is “what” questions. For example, if you are trying to figure out something related to your career instead of asking “Why did I love/hate that last job?”, you instead might ask “What was in common with the jobs I liked?” and “What was in common with the jobs I didn’t like?” When facing a problem in a romantic relationship instead of asking “Why are we having so much trouble?” you might ask “What would it take for us to get along better?” or even better “What would allow us to fall in love all over again?”
When I help my clients, I regularly ask the Matrix questions
The first Matrix question I always ask is “Who is important to you?” followed by “What could you do to move toward who is important to you?” One client cried when I asked her those questions. It was the first time in a very long time that she was connected to what was truly important to her.
But should we never ask why?
Why can be useful when you are trying to understand something in the physical world. Your mechanic will ask why your car is making that knocking sound, find the answer and fix it. When you are having health difficulties asking “why” of a medical professional can often lead to a diagnosis and a cure. It’s only in the domain of self-insight and dealing with relationships to others that asking why can be a problem.
To sum up, asking why can be harmful when we are trying to understand ourselves
It can make us feel we have insight in the short term but make us feel worse in the long term. It can also fool us into thinking we know something about our feelings, behavior or preferences when we really don’t.
Instead, it’s more useful to ask “what” questions
“What” questions help us get in touch with facts about our lives and make useful comparisons. And keep in mind, we don’t have to throw out why entirely. Asking why is useful when we are trying to understand a physical system such as a machine or the human body.
Like my hidden onion that spoiled because I didn’t see it, our efforts to make our lives better can also spoil if we aren’t aware of how effective (or ineffective) our strategies are
You now know that asking “why” doesn’t work when it comes to self-insight and asking “what” is far more effective. So which “what” question can you ask yourself now? Maybe “what will I do with what I just learned?” and “What has helped me learn new ideas in the past?”
Next step
Would you like to learn how to change habits that don’t work for you? What if simple questions can help free you to make better choices?
You can learn five questions that can help you stop bad habits and replace them with something that works a lot better by reading “Five steps to stopping bad habits.”
