When I was four years old, I wore a towel as a cape. I climbed on the seat of a chair while my mom cooked dinner. Then I tried climbing on the back of the chair. It tilted over and my head hit the kitchen stove. Blood was streaming down my face.
My mom was horrified
I must have screamed or cried at that moment but I don’t remember it. I’m sure my mom also made some kind of sound because my dad ran in with a serious look on his face. At some point, someone pressed a towel pressed against my head. My dad then carried me to the car and started driving to the emergency room.
It was on the way there that I remember screaming. My dad who was a psychotherapist started speaking to me in a soothing manner and getting me to focus on my breathing. By the time we were at the ER, I was calm.
But I was a bit too calm
After checking in, we waited and waited and no one came to help us. I’m not sure how long. Finally, my dad brought someone over, removed the towel from my head to show the injury.
Once the man saw it, things changed.
The man brought a doctor over, then some people put me on a gurney and wheeled me into a room. Bright lights shone and people were wearing surgical masks. I saw a giant needle, then felt a pinch. I’m not sure of the rest of the details.
But I woke up later with stitches on my forehead
When people care, they will overcome many obstacles to do what matters. My dad saw that I was suffering. And while he couldn’t instantly stop the bleeding, he helped me calm down. And once the medical staff saw the seriousness of my injury, they launched into immediate action.
When we care, we take action in the face of challenges.
We take committed action.
What is committed action?
It is what we do to move towards who and what is important to us even when inner obstacles such as anger, fear or doubt show up.
There are three interesting aspects I’d like to share about committed action:
1 – A new definition of success
2 – Does size matter?
3 – The willingness question
1 – A new definition of success
When Andrew came to me, he had been procrastinating on his dissertation for four months. He would work on the dissertation for two or three hours in one day then let several weeks go by with nothing done. It was June and his dissertation was due on September sixth. He was well behind other students in his program. At this rate, he wondered if he’d complete his dissertation in time.
He was part of a four-session class I taught on how to use the Matrix to reduce procrastination. And one of the things I taught him was that success is any step that moves you toward who and what is important to you.
This transformed some of his “to do’s” into meaningful challenges
-Setting a time to talk to his advisor.
-Making a list of questions to ask his advisor.
-Writing a plan for the next stage in his research.
Instead of having to wait until the project was complete to feel successful, he could feel like he was successfully moving towards his values with each step.
He even noticed that “Making this list of actions to take” was a move toward what’s important to him and therefore success
He found that in the past, as he checked things off his list he just became more overwhelmed at all that was still left to do. The overwhelm still showed up for him a little bit but he also experienced the sense that he’d already done something valuable and made meaningful progress.
By August 31st, he handed in his dissertation. Redefining success was just one of the ideas that helped him complete it early.
But how small can a step be and still count?
2 – Does size matter?
If you drive past Landers, California into the Mojave Desert you’ll find an incredible sight. A large boulder called Giant Rock that is about seven stories high. It is considered the largest free-standing boulder in the world.
When I walk around my neighborhood, my 19-month old daughter Eloise will often find little objects and pick them up. Sometimes she picks up the smallest of pebbles and puts them in her mouth. Of course, I have to take it away. But isn’t it interesting that the little pebble has something in common with the giant boulder in the Mojave Desert? They are both rocks. One is huge, the other is so tiny my child can lift it.
A rock is still a rock no matter how small.
And when we take action in a valued direction, the action is important regardless of its size
I once interviewed a woman who admitted that she procrastinated a lot and that she’d try working on small steps but couldn’t get herself to do them.
She said, “I’ve tried setting small goals but they just don’t seem worth doing, so I don’t bother.”
This is common when too much focus is on the end goal. You look into the future and the small step you do today seems so insignificant compared to the final outcome. But when we focus on whether we are moving towards what’s important to us, the focus changes.
The value doesn’t come from the size of the step
It comes from the fact that the step has the qualities we value. She wanted to be a writer and would not write an outline or brainstorm ideas for a post. These steps seemed too small to matter. But if she focused on a value such as growing as a writer, then these actions would be seen as important in themselves and therefore more motivating.
So we know that committed action gives us a new definition of success – any movement in the direction of our values. And we know that size doesn’t matter, only the direction matters.
But what can we ask ourselves, to help us make a commitment?
3 – The willingness question
One day my wife sounded nervous. “I can’t find Eloise.” (Our daughter Eloise was then less than a year and a half old at the time).
“Where was she last?” I asked.
“I thought she was still in the backyard.”
As she says this, she is now looking in other parts of the house and eyeing the front door.
A month or so earlier, I faced the same situation and had a brief feeling of nervousness as I couldn’t find Eloise too
But I was certain she was in the backyard, so I looked behind everything. The trash cans, the bushes, the trees. And that’s when I found her. She was hiding behind the row of trees up against the brick wall.
So fast-forward to now. I asked my wife “Did you check everywhere in the backyard?” And so I look and there I can see her little legs as she is hiding behind the tree.
We both had been in the same situation. Our daughter Eloise had seemed to disappear. But I could find her and my wife could not.
What’s the difference?
We asked different questions. My wife asked “Where in the world is Eloise?” and I asked, “Where in the backyard is Eloise?” With a more focused question, I then searched in a more detailed and focused manner.
And when it comes to committed action, I find that those who succeed in making and keeping their commitments also ask a particular question that makes a difference. The question is “To move towards what’s important to me, am I willing to have the unwanted thoughts and feelings that may show up while taking action?”
For example, I put off giving a webinar for months. I would come up with an idea, then work on it a bit. After a while, I’d feel some doubts about whether it was a good idea. Then I’d drop the idea. This led to me not doing a webinar for many months.
Finally, I noticed the pattern and asked the willingness question. “To move towards what’s important to me (building a business that helps people) am I willing to have these feelings of self-doubt and keep taking steps anyway?” My answer was yes. And then I scheduled the webinar.
It’s not always this easy though
Sometimes after you ask the willingness question, your answer may be “not yet.” And that’s OK. One thing that helps is to ask “What small step am I willing to take?” There’s almost always a small step you will be willing to take that moves you in your chosen direction. And like I mentioned earlier, the size of the step doesn’t really matter. Only the direction matters.
Summary
So I’ve described three aspects of committed action. First, I defined success as moving in the direction of what matters to you. Second, that the size of the movement doesn’t really matter. And third, the willingness question which helps you notice if you are willing to have the thoughts and feelings you may experience as you take action towards your values.
Committed action is doing what matters even when it’s difficult
I’m sure it was hard for my father to focus on driving safely while his son was bleeding in the front seat of the car and screaming bloody murder. He worked to calm me down while keeping his eyes on the road. Our strongest commitments are often for those we love and my dad really came through that day. When we consciously connect to our values and choose to move towards them, we find that it doesn’t take an emergency to do what matters. It only takes a moment in which we ask “Who or what is important to us?” and then acting on that answer.
Next step
I just described three different ideas related to committed action. And if you put them into practice along with the other ACT tools, you’ll increase your ability to take action and follow through.
But how do we take the entire toolbox and apply it to our most challenging issues?
One idea here or there is helpful, but often it leaves us with the need to figure out how to put it all together.
Wouldn’t it be great if a guide could just show us which areas we need to focus on first, then second, then third until we’ve mastered the skills that will take us where we want to go?
My coaching program is such a guide
When I coach you, I work with you to identify the skills that will help you take action and follow through even when there’s nothing urgent to drive you. You just take action to follow through on a promise you made to yourself.
To try coaching can be a new step for some. For others, there can be concerns. Would we be a fit?
So I suggest a small step just as I mentioned in this article. A short, 20-minute strategy call to find out how I might help you and for us to see if we’d be comfortable working together. I don’t expect all calls to result in a coaching relationship. So there’s no pressure. At the end, I won’t even ask you to become a client. I’ll just ask where do you want to go from here? And I’ll accept any answer you give me.
To schedule a call with me, click the link: https://www.selfinfluence.net/schedule/
I use Skype, phone or Zoom so we can speak no matter where in the world you are located.
